Wednesday, May 27, 2015

  • Wednesday, May 27, 2015
  • Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Tel Aviv, May 27 - Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu late Tuesday, saying the premier's muted response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip was not nearly as lackluster as the situation demanded, and that as prime minister, he would demonstrate a more robustly inadequate answer to the provocation.

Several rockets launched from the Gaza Strip struck rural area of southern Israel Tuesday night, causing no casualties or damage. The Islamic Jihad organization claimed responsibility for the barrage, and experts believe the group seeks to flex its muscles in the aftermath of Iran cutting off funding to the organization, in the hope of burnishing its anti-Israel credentials and attracting popular support that translates into material support from abroad.

Iran ceased its sponsorship of Islamic Jihad this week after the organization refused to explicitly side with pro-Iranian forced in the ongoing strife in Yemen. Houthi rebels, backed by Iran, are fighting against Saudi-supported forces. Islamic Jihad attempted to stay out of the political fray by remaining neutral, lest it offend potential Saudi allies, but Iran decided to punish the group for its failure to show support for the Houthis. Herzog similarly accused Netanyahu of insufficient commitment to halfhearted deterrent measures, and promised to fight for a stronger expression of waffling.

"Bibi has once again shown why he is ill-equipped to be properly ill-equipped to lead," said Herzog. "A weak, simpering reaction is hardly convincing when it comes from a decorated Special Forces soldier with a deep voice. What this nation needs is a person who projects the manner and voice of a genuine weakling, someone who lacks confidence even in his own vocal cords - in other words, someone like me." He added that his status as the best person to offer a pathetic response to rocket attacks was only made more pronounced by his party's unexpectedly poor showing in the March parliamentary elections.

"I wish to be clear that I have no issue with Bibi not ordering an immediate military operation in response to the rockets - that is exactly what I would have waited to do, with each passing hour eroding our deterrent capabilities," he elaborated. "The issue here is that Netanyahu seems to think an actual military response might be in order, and such a position I find irresponsible. How can we retain the already-scarce goodwill of the international community if we go defending ourselves at every opportunity?"

Herzog himself became a target of fellow leftists, who accused the Labor chairman of failure to commit to the complete disarmament of the IDF. "Only by laying down our weapons can we adequately demonstrate our commitment to a peaceful solution," said Meretz chairwoman Zehava Gal-On. "Just hink what would happen if we spent all that money on education instead of Iron Dome batteries."

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